if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
