I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
