I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
