It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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