I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
