i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So vagazzling was a success
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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