what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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