i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
