You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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