I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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