update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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