don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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