I could make wine with my vomit
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
