my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I love you.
Bad choice
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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