i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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