I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
As shirtless as possible
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
