i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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