I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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