butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We need to get me chipped asap
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
