fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
