i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
