i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
