bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
