i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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