I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
