I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
