Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Liz is crying about burritos again.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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