is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
