when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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