Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
