I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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