i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
