when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize