I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize