if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
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