I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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