Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
