so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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