So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
