community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'm having to shit out rocks
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