wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
