your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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