even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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