Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
