TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
