how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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