I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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