we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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