This beer is not sobering me up at all
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
