so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize