I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize