you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
