it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
