i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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