Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
