So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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