I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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