Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
i am craving dick and cupcakes
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
