I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
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