Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
