I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize